Tea Partiers Come to Polls in Droves

Tea Party Fever sweeps the nation as conservative candidates across America win a multitude of races against liberal opponents.

When asked for an explanation of the poll results, Democratic Strategist Melanie Kessler had this to say, "I honestly didn't think those rubes would be able to find the polling places. It's probably the result of some Fox News propoganda ploy."

President Obama was equally baffled by the mid-term results, "These morons don't know how much we're doing for them. We're helping you, dip-shits! I can't understand why they'd vote against us."

As conservatives re-take the House of Representatives, Democratic strategists attempt to regroup with a new round of initiatives. "Americans were clearly dissatisfied with the level of spending in the bank bailouts, stimulus programs, and health care reform. So we've come up with a bill that will outspend all of those put together. Try and vote against THAT come 2012!"

Minorities and the disabled have already begun barricading themselves inside their homes, in preparation of the coming onslaught. "They're comin to kill me, I know it," said black man Ronnie Jackson. Wheelchair guy Chris Ingle was equally frightened, "I heard they used guys like me as hunting decoys."

Keith Olbermann could not be reached for comment, as his head exploded. One camera, two microphones, and a lighting fixture were damaged in the blast. Luckily, no one was watching.

Vote Day

Hey Americans, go vote so that we can all live in freedom and democracy forever.

American Idol: Political Edition

I have an idea for a new TV show that could change the world.

What if we created a television show, for the presidency of the United States, in the style of American Idol? We Americans love that show apparently, so why not deliver politicians to us in a style that we are accustomed? We could text in our votes each week, and we could slowly whittle down the candidates until there were only 2 or 3 left, and then do the actual vote.

We could even mix in a little Real World, and have the candidates all live in a house together. Tell me that wouldn't be entertaining as hell, getting to see the politicians in their natural setting. We might actually get a sense of their character after a few months of close observation.

Is this asking too much of the candidates for most powerful man in the world? With the number of incompetent/morally wavering buffoons we have had in office, I think this invasion of privacy is more than justified. And honestly, would these attention whores really pass up a chance of hours of free primetime air-time every week? It's win-win.

An additional side benefit would be that candidates would spend less time and energy raising money, since they would be featured on live television every week. This has the potential to reduce the influence of money on the most important government position we have. And if we are really serious, we could require that the candidates take NO money in exchange for a spot on the show.

In keeping with tradition we could pick the group of candidates based on the existing primary system. Let them garner national interest, then pick the top 10 to face off in a series of challenges designed to test their wit, knowledge, leadership skills, and singing ability.

Tell me you wouldn't watch that show.

Write-ins Only, Please

What do you guys think about a write-in only ballot?

In the past, poll taxes and tests have been used to weed out the more ignorant/ethnic citizens from voting. We obviously don't want to do that, but it would be nice if voters were more informed, and people who were totally ignorant of the candidates and issues just stayed home.

Say candidates must register with the election board for consideration, but once registered that is all they have to do to qualify. After that, they just have to get their name out to as many people as possible.

This would eliminate the wholly ignorant voters without stopping people from voting. Only votes from people who actually know candidate names would count, without confronting the problem of denying suffrage to some people.

It might also elminate the endless R-D duopoly by allowing anyone and everyone an equal footing on the ballot, instead of just having the top 2 candidates listed.

This way, a candidate who might be hated by R's and D's would have a better chance.

Also, it would reduce the negative influence of primaries, wherein strongly partisan candidates are able to play to their base to get their party's nomination. If party 'nomination' became nothing more than an endorsement, perhaps we might see a different class of candidates (or, if we're lucky, a different class of parties).


I'm just thinking out loud hear. Does anyone see any serious potential drawbacks to this plan?