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Saints, Colts Hoping To Resolve Super Bowl Through Diplomacy

MIAMI—Team officials from the New Orleans Saints and Indianapolis Colts emerged from a tense, 12-hour negotiating session Thursday and told reporters that, while they had yet to reach a settlement that would prevent a massive on-field conflict, the AFC and NFC champions were committed to resolving the Super Bowl through diplomatic channels.

"Playing this Super Bowl is our last resort," said NFL commissioner Roger Goodell, who was flanked by the coaches and quarterbacks for the opposing teams. "Yes, there are some difficult issues that need to be hashed out, such as who will be the game's MVP, the number of total passing yards for each quarterback, and which team will be named Super Bowl champion, but I think we made progress today."

"The Colts and the Saints are unwavering in their commitment to avoid any violence and wish to resolve the Super Bowl peacefully, without a single football being thrown," Goodell added.

[The Onion]

Ah, The Onion

Federal Government Wants Subway Safety Oversight

The Obama administration will propose that safety regulations for subways and commuter trains be put under the jurisdiction of the federal government. What do you think?

There is Something Wrong with the Airline Industry: UPDATE

As an innovative move, United Airlines will boost revenue by doing away with seats completely and instead stack them like cordwood.

"Research shows that we lose millions of dollars each month by having them all sit upright in individual seats for the duration of the flight," said CEO Glenn F. Tilton, speaking to reporters at United Airlines' corporate headquarters. "However, if we were to remove these seats, we could just sort of stack them all in there, one by one, as they file into the plane."

"If a 747's maximum takeoff weight is 875,000 pounds, then we should be packing that plane with 875,000 pounds," Tilton added.

According to a press release, the company estimates that the new policy of simply arranging them in a towering mound will allow it to sell approximately 20 times more tickets per flight. In addition, executives claimed they would be able to eliminate the unnecessary cost of in-flight magazines, chairs, seat belts, blankets, bathrooms, headphones, and oxygen masks.

Haha, another good story from the Onion. Except The New York Times carried this story in April 24, 2006:

Airbus has been quietly pitching the standing-room-only option to Asian carriers, though none has agreed to it yet. Passengers in the standing section would be propped against a padded backboard, held in place with a harness, according to seating experts who have seen a proposal.

That the airlines are even considering such things is the result of several factors. High fuel costs are making it difficult for carriers to turn a profit. The new seat technology not only allows airlines to add more places for passengers, it also reduces a seat's weight by up to 15 pounds, or 7 kilograms, limiting fuel consumption. A typical seat in economy class now weighs 74 to 82 pounds.

I feel comfortable in the fact that Americans are far too lazy to put up with standing room only airplanes. [Times story via Nergol]

Obama to Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire

Obama To Enter Diplomatic Talks With Raging Wildfire

Mexicans Sweeping the Nation

I'm going to hell. [The Onion]